I never claimed to be normal

Something that I have struggled with before is giving myself grace and treating myself with the same patience and understanding I give others. I think this is partially due to other people not giving me grace over the years. Even if I gave them patience and understanding and forgave them for mistakes, I didn’t seem to get treated with that same respect. Over time I placed unrealistic expectations on myself. I just thought there was something different about me and that I somehow didn’t deserve that same respect because I rarely got it. So I kept putting pressure on myself. Pressure to not make any mistakes. Pressure to not rest and take time for myself because to others that meant something negative like I wasn’t trying hard enough or I didn’t care enough. Guilt would accumulate if I tried to take too much time to myself.

Eventually this pressure builds and builds and leads to extreme overwhelm and exhaustion. I have no choice but to rest during this time, because my body forces me to rest. Whether this overwhelm manifests as a physical illness or mental fatigue where I shut down and can’t communicate, or a mix of both, it’s very uncomfortable. Today, I am practicing rest. I’ve told myself this many times before lately but I wind up still doing more than I planned to. Right now I’m battling having many things I want to do in a short amount of time so I have a sense of urgency and wanting to cross things off a list and start to feel guilty if I don’t. But today the very long list can wait. I can still be productive, but at a slower pace, and that is okay. I need to do things just to help me relax and recharge. Here is my self care sunday recharge plan:

-Listen to relaxing music
-Meditate
-Reduce overstimulating sounds
-Keep lighting low
-Make myself a cup of tea
-Turn off phone notifications for at least a few hours
-No checking e-mail
-Do a relaxing activity off of the computer, like coloring
-Journal how I have been feeling
-Declutter an area of my apartment but spend no longer than 10 minutes doing so (clutter leads to more overwhelm for me)

As I get older and learn more about my needs as a person with autism, I feel like these rest days are essential for me to feel more balanced. They are also productive in their own way, by practicing validating how I feel, and helping me to be able to do more in the future by not feeling so burned out.