I never claimed to be normal

I feel that a lot of people’s definition of success is different but some of the most common ones I’ve observed in people over the years is having a great career, having more money/things, receiving constant validation from people, finding that amazing partner that ticks all those boxes. These things can be very fulfilling for a lot of people, but for me, my definition is different and I wanted to expand on that a bit.

A little history about me – I was born with autism, and predisposed to depression and an anxiety disorder. Over time from experiences I was also diagnosed with PTSD. My brain has always operated differently. I tried for many years to manage these on my own without much help until I got so exhausted mentally and physically I had no choice but to seek more help.

I am so glad that I did, because it was the best decision I made and I no longer feel like I am suffering on a daily basis like I used to, even if I have my off days.

I used to get into little debates with people about success. They thought that I should be looking to get ahead and make more money. That was their definition of success. They thought I wasn’t thriving and being my best self at the time because I didn’t have a plan for making more money and have always lived on a low income.

But to me at the time, just surviving was my success. Getting up in the morning, navigating my depression, anxiety, autistic and ptsd symptoms felt like a full time job. Everything I did was “how can I feel a little less bad than I do? I can’t feel good, but I really need to figure out how to make these symptoms not as bad”.

It took a lot of mental energy day in and day out and I think a lot of people who never experienced those symptoms didn’t realize that. They would see me function okay in real life and think to themselves “she seems fully capable of doing x, y, z, so it must be that she’s unmotivated or lazy so let me try to motivate her”.

But motivation or laziness was never the issue with me. My definition of success was just getting out of bed. It was having a fulfilling social interaction with someone when my social anxiety was putting me in fight or flight mode. It was being able to give to others and seek to understand them even when I didn’t feel understood myself. It was still being able to appreciate the little things in life.

Even as I feel better and lighter, I still think of those things as success, and nowadays, the fact that I am able to actually feel joy on a consistent basis is one of my biggest successes. I never thought I would get here. I never thought I’d have free mental space to focus on doing things other than try to manage my mental symptoms, but I do.

I now can do so much more, and, as a result, I have actually been able to make a little more money which is nice, but I still don’t feel as successful doing that as I do for just being able to get up daily out of bed. When I was fighting my brain for so many years and in survival mode, it’s the biggest success to actually wake up and have energy to do things and not feel like I’m suffering through them.

No matter how many superficial successes I achieve, nothing will ever compare to that.